13 years as a more or less SAHM, 5 kids and we homeschool. When all the kids were young, I tried to be like my SIL and leave the house for my sanity every day, but it often made things worse. Turns out I’m a homebody who likes being home. And I enjoy flexibility and not being tied to a schedule, which is one of the reasons we stay at home and homeschool in the first place.
I think you are right that parents who “don’t know how we do it” just haven’t invested the time to figure out how to do it, because weekends and vacation don’t count as a lifestyle. But underlying that for many is this idea that there is a “right way” to do it and I have to get it right or I give up.
And then, when your kids grow and are at different stages, you will have to adjust schedules and expectations again and again. But to all those who feel like “if only my schedule was better it would solve all my problems”- that’s not true either. It might solve some, but explore who you are and how you want to operate and don’t feel like there’s a right way to do it.
Trial and error, and discovering your personality and how it flows for your kids.
As a newlywed who who was raised by a first-generation SAHM (who homeschooled 8), I grew up with a lot of these mindset things as the norm and watched my mom work through these conversations with other moms. I think it would be fun to have a conversation sometime about these kinds of things from a second-generation perspective!
I think the FIRST lesson is actually that it has to be your FIRST PRIORITY, because if it isn't, if you aren't committed to finding a way to be a great SAHM, then no amount of structure or routine or tips and tricks will make the experience something you enjoy.
But past that, your options are limited to:
1. Accept the chaos and don't let it overwhelm you, or
2. Create a structure and keep a routine.
I'm the type who is okay with chaos. There are very few things that I actually plan and structure every day. But I don't panic or freak out when our day is chaotic, I prefer going with the flow because planning is actually more stressful to me!
I totally agree. If you're not 100% committed to the importance of being a SAHM, no amount of routines or hacks will make the role enjoyable.
Also no amount of routine calms all the chaos. There are still tantrums, blow outs, messes and exhaustion even with a routine. When I first started as a SAHM I kept thinking if I could just do it "right" I'd avoid the chaos. Now that I've accepted it and become more flexible with our days we are all happier.
I have heard so many times from moms I've talked to that they don't have the patience to homeschool to which I laugh and say I don't either. haha I'm no saint or martyr but wife and mother trying her best to live righteously.
I heartily agree! Structure is the key to sanity for my household. I have also found the more children you add to the mix the more comforting and helpful having a routine/structure to the day is even when you need to change from the previous routine at times. I'm not the keeper of what happens next, my older children know what generally happens based on our family's routine.
We have 7 kids and homeschool them. People are always insinuating we are crazy or weird. People regularly say “don’t know how you do it”. This. Structure, clear expectations, clear consequences and rewards and communication between parents.
Structure is definitely essential to get through your day as a SAHM, especially if you have 3 kids under the age of 6 (I have 3 girls all under 6 years old)! I have found that my day goes much easier if we stick to a routine instead of trying to “wing it”. It’s gone though a lot of trial and error in the almost 6 years I’ve been a SAHM lol. Unless life gets a little crazy, as it does, our day looks more or less like this:
-Wake up
-Get dressed
-Breakfast
-Go somewhere from about 9:30-11:30
-Lunch
-Nap for the youngest
-Homeschooling for my older 2 (Oldest first and then pre-K for my 4 yo)
-Quiet activity/screen time
-Dinner
-Bedtime/prayers
-Quiet time for Mommy and Daddy/Bedtime for Mommy and Daddy
When my 4 yo was younger, I would give her an old wiped cell phone with educational games to play on. Since she’s gotten older, she’s learned that she needs to be quiet and not bother her sister during school. Sometimes she would come over and see what her sister was doing. Now, she will sit on the couch and look at books or flip through the workbooks her sister isn’t using. I use a tablet on rare occasions or have her sit at the table with a snack.
I am a SAHM of 3. I have a 6 year old who has lessons. So we make sure those are divided up between am and pm. Just to allow me time with her siblings ( age 4 and 3). Also allows me to bake and prep meals as well as house work. at the moment we have 1 car so we either walk to the park and play outside unless we have a field trip planned or it's a park meet up day (I will take my husband to work and go on my way to what we have planned). I allow my kids to sleep in so it gives me some time to do my morning routine (get dressed, COFFEE, and my bible reading) the kids will wake up have breakfast and we will plan the day together. I base it off on what lesson we are on and what house work I need to get done. In the afternoon naptime/silent time I will do my work out in the living room and start dinner. But key is flexible schedule and allow for bumbs in the road..... I am not perfect I get flustered and my kids 99% of the time have their own ideas for the day so our ideas can clash. But I have been doing this for 4 years now as a FULL TIME sahm. My parents sent us to school or day care. My grandma was a SAHM but sent her kids to school. So I guess I am a first generation of doing it all. It's hard and rewarding. We are in the trenches but not alone.
I totally agree! In general children need structure and not in a military kind of way. Just as you mentioned …wake up …breakfast …outside. I tell parents I work with that you can even start a night time routine with your newborn to help them in differentiating night and day. Of course it means nothing to babies in the beginning….More for the parents and then the babies eventually start to catch on that bath time …then story time and dimmed lights means it’s time to whine down for bed. I love this article. I am strongly considering homeschooling. I think I actually don’t give myself enough credit …i’ve actually started homeschooling my son now i guess ….he’s 2 and at home with me. The number one thing Ive learned so far is that children have a natural desire to learn!
For me it’s been tough having a toddler on a 1 nap schedule and a 9 month old still on a 2 nap schedule. We don’t really have time for a morning outing because the little one naps at 9:30. And then in the afternoon I need to get dinner ready. By the time the little one drops to one nap, I’ll probably want another baby :-)
I have a 3 yo, 1.5yo and 3 month old so I’m back to the morning nap problem too! Most days the littlest one has a stroller nap… not the best but it usually does the trick so we aren’t trapped inside the whole day 🤪
I'm a new mum, My nan was a stay at home mum and my mum was a stay at home mum sometimes throughout my life...what gen would that make me? idk but I plan to home-school which my family never did.
I am a SAHM, homeschooler of 7 — toddler to teen, and I agree with everything you said here. My mother stayed at home, but sent me and my sister to public school so I didn’t learn anything from her (not even how to cook).
I love the morning outing routine! I always tried to get out for a daily walk when I only had littles every day but we didn’t car travel much with them because my first few babies usually cried in their carseats.
Schedules are necessary, but flexibility (like in your schedule) is key! Bravo!!
This is actually blowing my mind (which is potentially embarrassing to admit). I have been so guilty of saying I couldn't be a stay at home mom because it is so draining and exhausting, but thinking of it this way is so interesting and makes it seem much more approachable. Thanks for sharing this perspective!
Beautifully expressed! It isn't the case that parents who work outside the home "don’t really like to have their children around." I know lots of parents who adore their kids and love spending time with them but aren't necessarily suited to staying home with the kids full-time.
I'm lucky enough to be able to work outside the home part-time and stay home with my kids part-time, but staying home with my kids full-time isn't for me. My husband is the type who "could never be home with the kids all day," but that doesn't mean he loves them any less than I do or that he's a less effective parent than I am.
Which ties in to the article's point about structure--it isn't just about how many hours a day you spend with the kids, it's about how you spend that time.
And sometimes parents have to work outside the home FT because: finances. I don’t work full time becuz I’m not suited to stay home FT. Trust me, I would loooooooooved to have been a SAHM.
It was not in the cards/not in God’s plan for me to be a SAHM, much as it might have suited me.
13 years as a more or less SAHM, 5 kids and we homeschool. When all the kids were young, I tried to be like my SIL and leave the house for my sanity every day, but it often made things worse. Turns out I’m a homebody who likes being home. And I enjoy flexibility and not being tied to a schedule, which is one of the reasons we stay at home and homeschool in the first place.
I think you are right that parents who “don’t know how we do it” just haven’t invested the time to figure out how to do it, because weekends and vacation don’t count as a lifestyle. But underlying that for many is this idea that there is a “right way” to do it and I have to get it right or I give up.
And then, when your kids grow and are at different stages, you will have to adjust schedules and expectations again and again. But to all those who feel like “if only my schedule was better it would solve all my problems”- that’s not true either. It might solve some, but explore who you are and how you want to operate and don’t feel like there’s a right way to do it.
Trial and error, and discovering your personality and how it flows for your kids.
As a newlywed who who was raised by a first-generation SAHM (who homeschooled 8), I grew up with a lot of these mindset things as the norm and watched my mom work through these conversations with other moms. I think it would be fun to have a conversation sometime about these kinds of things from a second-generation perspective!
I think the FIRST lesson is actually that it has to be your FIRST PRIORITY, because if it isn't, if you aren't committed to finding a way to be a great SAHM, then no amount of structure or routine or tips and tricks will make the experience something you enjoy.
But past that, your options are limited to:
1. Accept the chaos and don't let it overwhelm you, or
2. Create a structure and keep a routine.
I'm the type who is okay with chaos. There are very few things that I actually plan and structure every day. But I don't panic or freak out when our day is chaotic, I prefer going with the flow because planning is actually more stressful to me!
I totally agree. If you're not 100% committed to the importance of being a SAHM, no amount of routines or hacks will make the role enjoyable.
Also no amount of routine calms all the chaos. There are still tantrums, blow outs, messes and exhaustion even with a routine. When I first started as a SAHM I kept thinking if I could just do it "right" I'd avoid the chaos. Now that I've accepted it and become more flexible with our days we are all happier.
I have heard so many times from moms I've talked to that they don't have the patience to homeschool to which I laugh and say I don't either. haha I'm no saint or martyr but wife and mother trying her best to live righteously.
I heartily agree! Structure is the key to sanity for my household. I have also found the more children you add to the mix the more comforting and helpful having a routine/structure to the day is even when you need to change from the previous routine at times. I'm not the keeper of what happens next, my older children know what generally happens based on our family's routine.
We have 7 kids and homeschool them. People are always insinuating we are crazy or weird. People regularly say “don’t know how you do it”. This. Structure, clear expectations, clear consequences and rewards and communication between parents.
Structure is definitely essential to get through your day as a SAHM, especially if you have 3 kids under the age of 6 (I have 3 girls all under 6 years old)! I have found that my day goes much easier if we stick to a routine instead of trying to “wing it”. It’s gone though a lot of trial and error in the almost 6 years I’ve been a SAHM lol. Unless life gets a little crazy, as it does, our day looks more or less like this:
-Wake up
-Get dressed
-Breakfast
-Go somewhere from about 9:30-11:30
-Lunch
-Nap for the youngest
-Homeschooling for my older 2 (Oldest first and then pre-K for my 4 yo)
-Quiet activity/screen time
-Dinner
-Bedtime/prayers
-Quiet time for Mommy and Daddy/Bedtime for Mommy and Daddy
When my 4 yo was younger, I would give her an old wiped cell phone with educational games to play on. Since she’s gotten older, she’s learned that she needs to be quiet and not bother her sister during school. Sometimes she would come over and see what her sister was doing. Now, she will sit on the couch and look at books or flip through the workbooks her sister isn’t using. I use a tablet on rare occasions or have her sit at the table with a snack.
I am a SAHM of 3. I have a 6 year old who has lessons. So we make sure those are divided up between am and pm. Just to allow me time with her siblings ( age 4 and 3). Also allows me to bake and prep meals as well as house work. at the moment we have 1 car so we either walk to the park and play outside unless we have a field trip planned or it's a park meet up day (I will take my husband to work and go on my way to what we have planned). I allow my kids to sleep in so it gives me some time to do my morning routine (get dressed, COFFEE, and my bible reading) the kids will wake up have breakfast and we will plan the day together. I base it off on what lesson we are on and what house work I need to get done. In the afternoon naptime/silent time I will do my work out in the living room and start dinner. But key is flexible schedule and allow for bumbs in the road..... I am not perfect I get flustered and my kids 99% of the time have their own ideas for the day so our ideas can clash. But I have been doing this for 4 years now as a FULL TIME sahm. My parents sent us to school or day care. My grandma was a SAHM but sent her kids to school. So I guess I am a first generation of doing it all. It's hard and rewarding. We are in the trenches but not alone.
I totally agree! In general children need structure and not in a military kind of way. Just as you mentioned …wake up …breakfast …outside. I tell parents I work with that you can even start a night time routine with your newborn to help them in differentiating night and day. Of course it means nothing to babies in the beginning….More for the parents and then the babies eventually start to catch on that bath time …then story time and dimmed lights means it’s time to whine down for bed. I love this article. I am strongly considering homeschooling. I think I actually don’t give myself enough credit …i’ve actually started homeschooling my son now i guess ….he’s 2 and at home with me. The number one thing Ive learned so far is that children have a natural desire to learn!
For me it’s been tough having a toddler on a 1 nap schedule and a 9 month old still on a 2 nap schedule. We don’t really have time for a morning outing because the little one naps at 9:30. And then in the afternoon I need to get dinner ready. By the time the little one drops to one nap, I’ll probably want another baby :-)
I have a 3 yo, 1.5yo and 3 month old so I’m back to the morning nap problem too! Most days the littlest one has a stroller nap… not the best but it usually does the trick so we aren’t trapped inside the whole day 🤪
I'm a new mum, My nan was a stay at home mum and my mum was a stay at home mum sometimes throughout my life...what gen would that make me? idk but I plan to home-school which my family never did.
I want to learn early.
I am a SAHM, homeschooler of 7 — toddler to teen, and I agree with everything you said here. My mother stayed at home, but sent me and my sister to public school so I didn’t learn anything from her (not even how to cook).
I love the morning outing routine! I always tried to get out for a daily walk when I only had littles every day but we didn’t car travel much with them because my first few babies usually cried in their carseats.
Schedules are necessary, but flexibility (like in your schedule) is key! Bravo!!
You may overrate routine. Some people find it oppressive.
This is actually blowing my mind (which is potentially embarrassing to admit). I have been so guilty of saying I couldn't be a stay at home mom because it is so draining and exhausting, but thinking of it this way is so interesting and makes it seem much more approachable. Thanks for sharing this perspective!
I enjoyed this post and it makes a lot of sense. I wish there were ways to convey these things to people, before they become parents.
Beautifully expressed! It isn't the case that parents who work outside the home "don’t really like to have their children around." I know lots of parents who adore their kids and love spending time with them but aren't necessarily suited to staying home with the kids full-time.
I'm lucky enough to be able to work outside the home part-time and stay home with my kids part-time, but staying home with my kids full-time isn't for me. My husband is the type who "could never be home with the kids all day," but that doesn't mean he loves them any less than I do or that he's a less effective parent than I am.
Which ties in to the article's point about structure--it isn't just about how many hours a day you spend with the kids, it's about how you spend that time.
And sometimes parents have to work outside the home FT because: finances. I don’t work full time becuz I’m not suited to stay home FT. Trust me, I would loooooooooved to have been a SAHM.
It was not in the cards/not in God’s plan for me to be a SAHM, much as it might have suited me.
Just wanted to give another perspective.