Structure Is Non-Negotiable: The First Lesson Of SAHM Life

Why so many women fail before they start.

Photo by Renáta-Adrienn on Unsplash

“Oh, I could never be home with my kids all day.”

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that exact phrase come out of another mother’s mouth. I legitimately cannot count. And it’s one of my least favorite things to hear.

Having children is the greatest blessing we can receive from God. So the idea that mothers don’t really like to have their children around hurts my heart.

But…I’ve come to realize — I know why they say it.

Being a SAHM is an incredible opportunity, and I know mothers who were dying to be home with their children — maybe even homeschool. But when they were actually in the trenches, they gave up. They were first-generation SAHMs, just like me, and they didn’t have the experience or guidance to know how to be home with their children in a long-term and sustainable way. Instead, they were led to the brink with burnout that they couldn’t recuperate from and so they put their children into daycare and school and returned to the life they had before children, assuming that everyone was better off and having their children at home was unattainable.

I have often heard from other mothers that there’s a reason women put their children in school, because it’s simply too hard to have them home. No one could do that, they say. No one was meant to be home with their kiddos, it’s just not realistic.

But what I’ve learned is that being a full-time SAHM with little ones requires a method. Mothers who have their children in daycare and school only know what full-time parenting looks like on the weekends, which is essentially vacation-mode. There’s little to no schedule, everyone is relaxing and having fun, and there’s a level of chaos that accompanies those days off. So, to them, that’s what parenting full-time looks like. It’s why the two weeks between camp in the summer and school in the fall are so stressful and why so many of these mothers say, “I can’t wait for them to be back in school!” Why? Because it’s perennial vacation without any guidelines or structure which is completely unsustainable.

A SAHM, on the other hand, knows that vacation-mode is only for vacations. Every other day is a workday, which means there are hard starts, stops, blocks of time, and structure, structure, structure. That doesn’t mean our days aren’t fun! But structure benefits every single person in the family and makes what we do possible. As a first-generation SAHM, you may not know that this is how your day-to-day should look. I went through a period where the schedule and routines went out the window and I was a mess. I had such bad burnout that I, too, began to question if this lifestyle was right for me! It wasn’t until speaking to a friend of mine who is a SAHM and whose mother was a SAHM as well that she clarified everything for me.

Being a SAHM is a job and it needs to be taken seriously as such. You are the manager of your children and that means you need to give them the guidelines they need to thrive. Part of them thriving is their mother’s health, both physical and mental, thriving as well. And that means everyone working together to make the family run like a well-oiled machine.

So what kind of structure are we talking about? It really is holistic. First of all, everyone needs to have a good sleep schedule. A regular bedtime, regular naps, and similar waking times important. I’m not an advocate of early sleep training, but after a certain point (for me, that looks like 7 to 8 months), mama and baby need their sleep. Babies do better with a full night’s sleep and I know that I can only be my most patient self when I’ve slept well. That includes nap times during the day! Everyone needs time to recuperate, and getting some alone time during the day while your babies rest is crucial. As they get older, that naptime should morph into quiet time because they need it as much as you do. Nighttime sleep and daytime naps/quiet time are so important for avoiding burnout.

Second, having a flexible routine each day is incredibly helpful. For us, we:

• Wake up

• Eat breakfast together

• Get ready for the day

• Go out from 9:30 AM - 12:30 PM

• Eat lunch together

• Naptime/Mommy’s time

• Playtime at home, cleaning, and cooking

• Eat dinner together

• Bath time

• Bedtime

• Cleaning and tidying the house

• Spend time together as husband and wife

Where we go each day is flexible, but we always go out of the house. And we are always back for lunch so that naptime stays consistent. We finish the day at home so that we can relax after going out in the morning, although some days we go grocery shopping or do another small outing. This routine has been a gamechanger for my mental health and gives us all the structure we crave. If we treated each day as a random assortment of fun things to do, I’d feel so stretched thin. I have responsibilities as a SAHM beyond simply entertaining my children — and it’s better for them to learn to entertain themselves, as well.

(The other parts of sustainably approaching being a SAHM are boundaries, consequences, and no screentime. These three elements make parenting your children so much easier and also reduce the burnout you might be facing. But that’s another topic for another day.)

Being a SAHM isn’t a lifelong vacation. No one even wants to be on vacation all the time; it’s exhausting to live without a regimented routine. Being a SAHM is a full-time job that requires the same level of devotion and attention as a job in an office. By approaching it that way, you will find that you can do it — and you will love being home with your babies each and every day.

What do you think? What kind of structure do you maintain in your household? Share your thoughts in the comments below.