The issue isnt that "modern women" don't see the tremendous value in being home with their children. It's that the resources they'd need to do that is unattainable to them because most families are struggling to stay afloat, BAD, unless (and sometimes even if) the woman works a traditional 9 to 5 as well as her partner.
Secondly, being a full-time SAHM with no access to your own money and your own bank account is very risky. The percentage of abusive and financially isolating relationships today is absurdly high. It is a major risk that should her husband cheat, or decide to leave her, or even pass away, that she'd become homeless because she had been a SAHM, has no traditional work experience and now she is unable to leave because she has no access to money.
We also never consider the woman's mental health. I know for me personally, I struggled with debilitating and nearly unrecoverable depression while I was a SAHM. I had no life outside of being a mom. I had no friends, no hobbies, and struggled to find the joy in even the most "pretty" moments. I made the choice to go to work because being a SAHM was a detriment to my mental health recovery, and increased the chances that I would remain around to raise my children. I am now still here today, and home with my children more than not.
This is merely my two cents, but still loved your post. Being a mom is life's greatest blessing, and requires so much of your time, dedication and mental gusto whether or not you choose to stay home. There is benefit to both being a working Mom and a SAHM. We shouldn't demonize either one or imply one will damage their children by making one choice over the other. 🩷
Hi Addie! Thanks for your comment! I hear all of your thoughts and I'd like to expound upon them as I feel they all deserve responses. Keep your eyes peeled for future posts and hopefully your thoughts will be addressed!
I love how you worded this. Though I am a second generation SAHM I find that I still have to learn many of these same lessons and figure out the same things. My husband who works really hard but we still fall in the lower class when it comes to income. Yet by managing our money well we not only have a paid off farm, are debt free and are able to slowly work towards achieving our dreams together.
I find that when MOST people say they can't afford to stay home or have more children it really comes down to choices.
We drive a beat up minivan, I don't shop very much, we eat out about twice a year etc. This life can be hard at times, but it is so worth it. Far from my husband controlling the money, even though he earns it I run the finances and plan so that we can achieve our goals. Our life is a team effort to that we can have the life both of us want.
I would love to know who are some of your favorite YT SAHM content creators?
I totally agree! I think there's a misconception that you have to be rich to be a SAHM, and people don't understand that if you are willing to make sacrifices, it's a lot more attainable than we think! I appreciate that you are living with less so you can live with so much more. What a blessing to your family you are. Some of my favorite YT SAHM content creators - Delilah Loeppky, Sarah Therese, and Milena Ciciotti!
I feel like there's a fine line between romanticizing the SAHM life and creating an absurd fantasy "lifestyle" that no one can attain. I love the trad wife content as much as the next girl, but man does it look different from my crazy attempts to hold it all together. Being a SAHM is messy and difficult and unglamorous sometimes, and that's not a bad thing. It also opens up wonderful opportunities for your family--and yes, for yourself--that you would never have otherwise. You're right that it's more than just a lifestyle choice--it's an expression of our deepest held values, which don't change even when everyone has stomach flu or the baby has learned how to take off her dirty diaper.
Yes! If we can look beyond the fancy clothes and the perfect hair and just be grateful that there is SOMEONE out there trying to make motherhood beautiful rather than a slog, I think there's something nice to seeing the pretty picture once in a while. But that isn't a real reflection of what most of our day-to-days look like. It's kind of like an artistic representation.
I really appreciate that you took the focus away from the “me me me” culture that women are so entrenched in these days and reminded us that being a SAHM, at the heart, is in service of others. Primarily our children and of course our husbands. And in that service, we find a beautiful purpose. I left a pretty good career to be a SAHM and I don’t regret any second of it.
I think the most challenging aspect for me has been not having any family support. I’m an only child of a single mom who gives 350 miles away and my MIL is out of the country. We are lucky enough to be able to pay for some childcare, but it’s not the same.
People always talk about how it takes a village to raise children. I agree with that, but that village is meant to be your extended family and maybe some close friends with aligned values. Our culture today is so far strayed from that idea that our family is our village and also the idea that you do what you need to keep your village together. We’re hoping to break that cycle with our children, God willing.
This idea of being a first gen stay at home/homeschool mom resonates with me. My mom was home mostly but had a professional identity as a nurse and worked off and on when we were in school. Neither of my grandmothers stayed home full time. My mom's mom had a master's degree and had a lovely home but she was assuredly a working woman and worked as a nurse into her 80s.
I on the other hand worked professionally, married and had kids later and now at nearly 40 am finding that I'm rebuilding my identity as a mom and wife from scratch, having left part time work aside in a field that I don't know I would go back to because it there are just too many ethical compromises in that industry.
I'm thankful that in choosing to homeschool, I've found so much spiritual encouragement and intellectual vitality in this vocation. Beautiful books, literature, art, poetry, math and nature are my daily companions now and my kids are being surrounded by the true, good, and beautiful. My vision in homeschooling is not to isolate my kids from culture but to preserve culture, to enjoy the richness of God's world, and guard against any separation between their intellectual and spiritual life.
My oldest is only in first grade. This is the beginning of the journey, but I'm so humbled and enthralled to be a guide, philosopher, and friend to my kids and stoked that my husband and I get to grow up together and old all at once.
For me personally, being a sahm isn't intimidating to me because of fear that I'll lose my "me-time", since I feel content with my level of girl-bossing I achieved in my twenties. But what is scary to me is the idea of wearing so many hats and wearing them properly. I'm a scientist, but what makes me qualified to teach that or anything else to my kids? I'm pretty quiet, so how am I going to find opportunities for the kids to socialize and get out of the house and learn to make friends? I was a great worker because I only had to do ONE job really well. Am I the only one terrified to not be enough to actually be a good sahm?
You are absolutely NOT the only one who is terrified of being good at it! I think most women are! It's definitely a challenge wearing so many hats, and that's what makes it so fun. I encourage women to look at being a SAHM as a career and one you can become an expert in. If you prepare and study, read and listen, practice and play, you will become as proficient in this job as any other. You are qualified to teach your children because you have their best interests at heart more than anyone else - which means you will educate them based on who they are, not just what they need to learn. You will find opportunities to socialize your children because you will find that socializing for them is much easier than socializing for your own sake. Doing many jobs well is possible when we focus our hearts on minds on what matters and always prioritize our faith and families first.
A rich nepo-influencer using the term "first-generation," which refers to students who are the first individual in their families to attend college, is so self-absorbed and narcissistic lol. Did she even have a job before she had kids? (Besides influencing.) I do find it funny though... you can get advice from an experienced person about any home ec topic on youtube... or you can subscribe to this blog and get tips from someone with very little experience.
Well worded post. I think modern feminism has caused many women to lose appreciation for what makes us women. The things we are uniquely suited for. God made us to be the helpmeet and the mother and it is the backbone of all societies. The number of women depressed and anxious has risen so much in the last 2 decades as more women leave the home. They don’t see the value and it makes me sad for them and for my children as one day they will have to find spouses in a world that increasingly pushes younger generations to value money and selfishness (framed as individuality and autonomy) over connection, community and family.
I really enjoyed your article, and I’m looking forward to future ones. My mom was a stay at home mom, but in very different circumstances (more local support) and in a whole different country. So figuring things out on my own has been challenging, but always worth it. No matter how difficult it has been, and it has at times (there are Seasons to motherhood) I know there is no one who could replace my role to its full extent. Like you say, it’s not a lifestyle, it’s a calling. One topic that I would like to see in the future is the delicate balance between serving our families and what I call “the little corners of my motherhood” to explore interests or hobbies. I find it challenging because when I give a little time to my interests, like drawing and art, I can become consumed by it. It can become a distraction. I am working through the discomfort to find a place where I can include these interests in my life while maintaining focus on my vocation. How can it become a compliment to motherhood rather than a distraction? For example, in the case of art, how can I share it with my children to enhance their life, to teach them about beauty and higher meaning. Anyways, I am rambling but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I would like to hear about how you manage this new project of yours while serving your family. It helps to have models.
This was a beautiful post. Just some thoughts:
The issue isnt that "modern women" don't see the tremendous value in being home with their children. It's that the resources they'd need to do that is unattainable to them because most families are struggling to stay afloat, BAD, unless (and sometimes even if) the woman works a traditional 9 to 5 as well as her partner.
Secondly, being a full-time SAHM with no access to your own money and your own bank account is very risky. The percentage of abusive and financially isolating relationships today is absurdly high. It is a major risk that should her husband cheat, or decide to leave her, or even pass away, that she'd become homeless because she had been a SAHM, has no traditional work experience and now she is unable to leave because she has no access to money.
We also never consider the woman's mental health. I know for me personally, I struggled with debilitating and nearly unrecoverable depression while I was a SAHM. I had no life outside of being a mom. I had no friends, no hobbies, and struggled to find the joy in even the most "pretty" moments. I made the choice to go to work because being a SAHM was a detriment to my mental health recovery, and increased the chances that I would remain around to raise my children. I am now still here today, and home with my children more than not.
This is merely my two cents, but still loved your post. Being a mom is life's greatest blessing, and requires so much of your time, dedication and mental gusto whether or not you choose to stay home. There is benefit to both being a working Mom and a SAHM. We shouldn't demonize either one or imply one will damage their children by making one choice over the other. 🩷
Hi Addie! Thanks for your comment! I hear all of your thoughts and I'd like to expound upon them as I feel they all deserve responses. Keep your eyes peeled for future posts and hopefully your thoughts will be addressed!
🥰🥰🥰
I love how you worded this. Though I am a second generation SAHM I find that I still have to learn many of these same lessons and figure out the same things. My husband who works really hard but we still fall in the lower class when it comes to income. Yet by managing our money well we not only have a paid off farm, are debt free and are able to slowly work towards achieving our dreams together.
I find that when MOST people say they can't afford to stay home or have more children it really comes down to choices.
We drive a beat up minivan, I don't shop very much, we eat out about twice a year etc. This life can be hard at times, but it is so worth it. Far from my husband controlling the money, even though he earns it I run the finances and plan so that we can achieve our goals. Our life is a team effort to that we can have the life both of us want.
I would love to know who are some of your favorite YT SAHM content creators?
I totally agree! I think there's a misconception that you have to be rich to be a SAHM, and people don't understand that if you are willing to make sacrifices, it's a lot more attainable than we think! I appreciate that you are living with less so you can live with so much more. What a blessing to your family you are. Some of my favorite YT SAHM content creators - Delilah Loeppky, Sarah Therese, and Milena Ciciotti!
Beautiful post, and welcome to Substack!
I feel like there's a fine line between romanticizing the SAHM life and creating an absurd fantasy "lifestyle" that no one can attain. I love the trad wife content as much as the next girl, but man does it look different from my crazy attempts to hold it all together. Being a SAHM is messy and difficult and unglamorous sometimes, and that's not a bad thing. It also opens up wonderful opportunities for your family--and yes, for yourself--that you would never have otherwise. You're right that it's more than just a lifestyle choice--it's an expression of our deepest held values, which don't change even when everyone has stomach flu or the baby has learned how to take off her dirty diaper.
Looking forward to more of your thoughts!
Yes! If we can look beyond the fancy clothes and the perfect hair and just be grateful that there is SOMEONE out there trying to make motherhood beautiful rather than a slog, I think there's something nice to seeing the pretty picture once in a while. But that isn't a real reflection of what most of our day-to-days look like. It's kind of like an artistic representation.
I really appreciate that you took the focus away from the “me me me” culture that women are so entrenched in these days and reminded us that being a SAHM, at the heart, is in service of others. Primarily our children and of course our husbands. And in that service, we find a beautiful purpose. I left a pretty good career to be a SAHM and I don’t regret any second of it.
I think the most challenging aspect for me has been not having any family support. I’m an only child of a single mom who gives 350 miles away and my MIL is out of the country. We are lucky enough to be able to pay for some childcare, but it’s not the same.
People always talk about how it takes a village to raise children. I agree with that, but that village is meant to be your extended family and maybe some close friends with aligned values. Our culture today is so far strayed from that idea that our family is our village and also the idea that you do what you need to keep your village together. We’re hoping to break that cycle with our children, God willing.
This idea of being a first gen stay at home/homeschool mom resonates with me. My mom was home mostly but had a professional identity as a nurse and worked off and on when we were in school. Neither of my grandmothers stayed home full time. My mom's mom had a master's degree and had a lovely home but she was assuredly a working woman and worked as a nurse into her 80s.
I on the other hand worked professionally, married and had kids later and now at nearly 40 am finding that I'm rebuilding my identity as a mom and wife from scratch, having left part time work aside in a field that I don't know I would go back to because it there are just too many ethical compromises in that industry.
I'm thankful that in choosing to homeschool, I've found so much spiritual encouragement and intellectual vitality in this vocation. Beautiful books, literature, art, poetry, math and nature are my daily companions now and my kids are being surrounded by the true, good, and beautiful. My vision in homeschooling is not to isolate my kids from culture but to preserve culture, to enjoy the richness of God's world, and guard against any separation between their intellectual and spiritual life.
My oldest is only in first grade. This is the beginning of the journey, but I'm so humbled and enthralled to be a guide, philosopher, and friend to my kids and stoked that my husband and I get to grow up together and old all at once.
For me personally, being a sahm isn't intimidating to me because of fear that I'll lose my "me-time", since I feel content with my level of girl-bossing I achieved in my twenties. But what is scary to me is the idea of wearing so many hats and wearing them properly. I'm a scientist, but what makes me qualified to teach that or anything else to my kids? I'm pretty quiet, so how am I going to find opportunities for the kids to socialize and get out of the house and learn to make friends? I was a great worker because I only had to do ONE job really well. Am I the only one terrified to not be enough to actually be a good sahm?
You are absolutely NOT the only one who is terrified of being good at it! I think most women are! It's definitely a challenge wearing so many hats, and that's what makes it so fun. I encourage women to look at being a SAHM as a career and one you can become an expert in. If you prepare and study, read and listen, practice and play, you will become as proficient in this job as any other. You are qualified to teach your children because you have their best interests at heart more than anyone else - which means you will educate them based on who they are, not just what they need to learn. You will find opportunities to socialize your children because you will find that socializing for them is much easier than socializing for your own sake. Doing many jobs well is possible when we focus our hearts on minds on what matters and always prioritize our faith and families first.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't your dad a SAHD? Do you ever get stay-at-home parenting advice from him?
My father was a SAHD, but he wasn't a homemaker! A masculine version is a bit different than a feminine one. But I do take his advice often!
A rich nepo-influencer using the term "first-generation," which refers to students who are the first individual in their families to attend college, is so self-absorbed and narcissistic lol. Did she even have a job before she had kids? (Besides influencing.) I do find it funny though... you can get advice from an experienced person about any home ec topic on youtube... or you can subscribe to this blog and get tips from someone with very little experience.
Well worded post. I think modern feminism has caused many women to lose appreciation for what makes us women. The things we are uniquely suited for. God made us to be the helpmeet and the mother and it is the backbone of all societies. The number of women depressed and anxious has risen so much in the last 2 decades as more women leave the home. They don’t see the value and it makes me sad for them and for my children as one day they will have to find spouses in a world that increasingly pushes younger generations to value money and selfishness (framed as individuality and autonomy) over connection, community and family.
I really enjoyed your article, and I’m looking forward to future ones. My mom was a stay at home mom, but in very different circumstances (more local support) and in a whole different country. So figuring things out on my own has been challenging, but always worth it. No matter how difficult it has been, and it has at times (there are Seasons to motherhood) I know there is no one who could replace my role to its full extent. Like you say, it’s not a lifestyle, it’s a calling. One topic that I would like to see in the future is the delicate balance between serving our families and what I call “the little corners of my motherhood” to explore interests or hobbies. I find it challenging because when I give a little time to my interests, like drawing and art, I can become consumed by it. It can become a distraction. I am working through the discomfort to find a place where I can include these interests in my life while maintaining focus on my vocation. How can it become a compliment to motherhood rather than a distraction? For example, in the case of art, how can I share it with my children to enhance their life, to teach them about beauty and higher meaning. Anyways, I am rambling but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I would like to hear about how you manage this new project of yours while serving your family. It helps to have models.