Thank you so much for addressing this issue! I have a 10 month old and am feeling this gap HARD! A lot of my friends are childfree or have serious infertility issues, so they are living entirely different lives than I'm living. A lot are working full time or part time so our schedules are totally different. A lot are not interested in homeschooling so they are in the 'wait until they're 5 and get your life back' mode. It's very hard to explain that having children isn't a 'phase' for me and that they'll be with me long term. I read Hannah's Children per your suggestion and it was so incredible to read stories of other women that are also doing this. It was a great balm to my soul!
Some women at my church suggested that we just go ahead and join the homeschool co-op there anyway even though my daughter is young. It's super awkward and I feel weird about it, but I'm just joining anyway and letting it be awkward. I don't know what else to do. I can't do this on my own, I need some women I can connect to, and I feel like this is the place of highest likelihood of finding them. I tried joining some play dates for the little kids but the value systems were so different between me and the women there that I just didn't want to keep going. My husband's Nana always says 'We're doing the best we can with what we have' and I feel like that's what I have to do in this season of life. Like it's an awkward time, and I'm in this weird limbo, but we'll be out of it sooner than we realize. I'm just so glad to have someone say it out loud because I've been feeling a bit crazy, thinking to myself like 'Where am I even supposed to be right now?'. Everyone else seems really established in their community and I feel like we're just hopping around from place to place.
We're Catholic though too, so there's a lot of support for homeschooling in the Catholic community, which will probably make it easier for me eventually. I'm so glad you shared that about being considered a homeschooling mom at 2 1/2 because of the difficulty of getting in to the Jewish schools. It isn't something I would have even known about honestly. This gap of 'my oldest isn't in school yet but we want to be involved in a homeschooling community to find families/friends with similar values' is really tough, and it sounds like it might be harder in different communities or even geographic regions.
I also wish there were more moms at home in general. It would be so much easier if there were, and a lot more fun for the kiddos. Thanks for what you're trying to do! There's a blog I really like called 'Like Mother Like Daughter' and it's written by a woman who has raised 7 kids, and it's basically homemaking/homeschooling/child raising tips and tricks. She's Catholic too, so some of her content is religious, but a ton of it is just super practical. I've emailed her questions before and she's really lovely. I wonder what she would say about this time period in raising children? I know she talks a lot about learning to be content at home, and using the time when the kids are really little to learn how to homeschool and get your house in order (while you still can). Maybe that's what we're supposed to be doing during this stage, really getting everything in order so that when homeschooling for real comes we're not just drowning? But it's certainly a suffering in itself (even though it's filled with joy). One thing the writer of that blog emailed me was that God saw my sacrifices and all I was doing and I just cried reading that. Maybe this loneliness is a sacrifice we can offer to God too, and then when we're all established in our communities later and meet the new mom with toddlers we can make sure they're very welcomed and as brought into our communities as they'd like to be.
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful response! I loved everything you said. I appreciate your insights and I will definitely check out the blog you mentioned!
I work 7 hours a day, two days a week, so I am not fully stay at home, but I relate to the loneliness. I currently have a 3 year old, 2 year old and expecting my third. I have joined several groups, but may of those seem as if they are directed to help mom's in the loneliness, not necessary to engage mom's and kids together. It's a chance to make friends and socialize with like minded women, but I don't think that kids are really getting much out of it. I don't know, maybe that's how it should be, but often times my kids act as if they miss me after these events, so it's hard to go since they are not child and mom focused, but more mom focused.
I struggle with this, because I think maybe I should be homeschooling already. But like you, we already do the basic things as they come up, and we read a ton everyday. I can't really picture my 3 year old boy sitting down and doing a lesson, like they would in daycare. And they are definitely not bored. It's definitely a new season to navigate.
I just think of it as a slow and unique time in life. You only have "only" little children once. Even if you keep having children, the older ones grow and eventually you will have little children and older children. The dynamic of only babies around is once in a lifetime. Perhaps it should require a little bit of loneliness on mama's side, so the kids get what they really need, and that's our time.
totally understand what you mean about the mom groups. I feel exactly the same way! My favorite events are those where there is some sort of circle time solely devoted to the children so that we can all participate with them and they can have fun, followed by mother's socialization time where the children can play and interact with one another. On another note, I like the idea of thinking of it as a unique time of life to cherish even through the hard. Thank you for your meaningful comment!
I loved what you shared about having 'only' little children once! That has really changed my perspective and I feel like you just gave me permission to slow down and enjoy this time more in the ways that I'd like to. <3 For example, today my daughter and I had a picnic outside where she played with sticks and babbled at a Japanese maple tree in the garden. It was so wonderful. We didn't have an agenda or anything, we were just kind of lazing about outside in the nice weather, but when I reflect on it, it was so lovely and special. I should do more of that while I can and just not worry about the rest. Thank you.
“Reading a ton every day” is exactly what a 3 yr old needs - not lessons! The interactions of the day, a little walk, some reading and lots of time with you are establishing the foundation of his emotional AND academic life.
Don’t stress!
And - if you can’t find the perfect mom/me group, it’s okay for your children to be sidelined a bit while you gab with other moms. They get you most of the time - and you’ll reconnect.
I’m definitely feeling the gap. Last year MOPS (mom’s of pre-schoolers group) was amazing for moms with kids under two. This year (started in Sept) all of the mommies that I made friends with and enjoyed have their kids in some type of pre-school even though they are only just reaching age 2.5. Luckily most of them only have the kids in there MWF or Tu Thur but it’s really made larger play dates more difficult since we are no longer all free on the same days. I didn’t realize how much I was grieving the loss of those ladies.
Luckily, I do attend a conservative church with numerous moms that are in the same boat as me. We have a text group and people text different outings that they are going to Eg. Parks, pumpkin patches, the beach etc. it’s been a life savor especially now since my MOPS friends now have their kids in “school”.
If you are in need of community in this tricky time as a potential home schooler. Even if you are not the same religion, I’d definitely recommend to find a conservative church (Reformed Christian churches tend to have larger families and more homeschoolers) that has a large number of kids around your kids age and start to get to know the mommies/ask around let them know you are interested in play dates during the week. It’s not perfect and you wouldn’t have to keep going to the church that doesn’t align with your beliefs, but once you make some connections with mommies who do have numerous things in common (morals, values, political views, love of the classics, homeschooling) you may find part of your crew even if they do not have the same religious beliefs.
This is great advice! I also just started a chat thread with some friends of mine from grad school who are all SAHMs and it's so nice just to have other moms to bounce ideas off of.
As a first time mom with a two year old, I’m so baffled at how lonely the SAHM community is.
I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in joining a mom group, but hardly anyone shows up continuously and the ones I do recognize I don’t click with them. And even if I do hit it off with someone they’re always an hour+ away. I even hosted a moms group where the day before it sounded like a good chunk of them were coming, however, only two people came; one being the leader of the group who has older kids. It’s been such a disheartening experience and being out in the country I find time and time again that all mommy and me classes are for three year olds (why?).
It’s frustrating knowing there’s other moms out there feeling the same as I do and whiling to put in an effort of friendship and community, but being impossibly far away. I don’t feel motherhood is supposed to be this way.
I also looked into a co-op group but there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that had me realizing that it wasn’t how I wanted my son to learn.
I totally understand your struggle. I think by building this community of moms here on this platform, we can hopefully find others who are struggling in the same way to connect with and get advice from those with more experience. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
Abby!! How beautifully you articulate the challenges that come with your life stage and your desire to be intentional with the time you have with your beloved children! May others with the same heart's desire find you, connect, and be blessing to each other!!
Hang in there - the journey goes QUICKLY! Remember, G-d has chosen you to mother your children at this time, in this way. Every moment of every day, you are educating you little ones, intentionally or not. You know this - unfortunately, our culture has convinced nearly everyone that unless there is a class or some formal structured activity, learning is not happening. You beautifully articulated this on your you-tube explaining why you and your husband have chosen to home educate: to teach your children a love of learning (and other reasons).
I recall those years when our first and second children were littles. I too, sought out others who were like minded...I was not successful in finding what I was looking for on a regular basis. However, with time I did find occasional opportunities to meet up with others. Keep looking. It took a bit of searching, but I did find a few like-minded familiies (you'll never find someone exactly aligned, but you will find some closely aligned in the important things). Even if you don't find it, this season will be a whirlwind as your boys grow, and Lord willing, you have more children. G-d has placed your children with each other and in your family, exactly as it is.
Though you feel you don't fit in with families who have older children, you might be delighted to interact with them as you see the olders who home educate interact with children of all ages. I recall our little ones playing capture the flag with several other families that home educate and it was a joy to watch some of the older children literally carrying our little ones in the game and celebrating that our children had captured the flag.
May I offer to video conference with you to encourage you?
Last August, we moved all three of our children into the dorms of their tiny college in Virginia after completing the journey of home educating all of them the entire way through, by G-d's Hand (no, they are not triplets). So my schedule is flexible to accomadate yours, though I am Pacific time and you are Eastern.
I am so excited to see what G-d will do through you for your precious children! Joy to you in the journey!!
(p.s. Annette and I have been absent from your site for a while, sorry. But we have not stopped thinking of or praying for you and your family. We pray for Jerusalem, for Israel, for the Children of Israel worldwide. We trust you had a joyous Rosh Hashanah, a meaningful Yom Kippur, and are enjoying Sukkot!)
Thank you for all of your kind words! What an encouragement. I may take you up on your offer when things are a little less busy, but thank you for being so thoughtful!
Yes! I am Christian but in the neighborhood where we had our first baby, sahm or homeschool moms were far and few between. I never found a solution but kept trying and the once or twice interactions with moms got me through. Now we travel full time homeschooling because of hubby’s job and it’s still lonely at times for a different reason. Sahm/homeschooling moms are definitely not the norm. I became reformed Christian and found a few more but not every place we travel has a reformed church.
I've been a SAHM for 6 years and here's what I've learned:
Making friends is essential but totally possible anywhere: SAHM life does not need to be lonely.
-Be friendly: chat with other moms, grandmothers, nannies, librarians, whoever you're with. Even if you don't become best friends, it's so nice to have a familiar face and someone to watch your kiddos for a few minutes if you need to take your toddler to the bathroom (or maybe even go yourself!).
- Don't worry so much if your child is the perfect age for the group. I do a music class every week with my kids, ages 6, 3 and 18 months, they all enjoy it and it's so much fun for me too.
-Be open to having mom friends with different schedules and lifestyles. I have mom friends who work full time, stay home full time and a range in-between. I think I'm the only homeschooling Jewish mom in a 100 mile radius of where I live so if I kept looking for a friend who's the same as me I'd be lonely too. I love my friends and I don't feel at all judged for homeschooling and I don't judge my working/schooling mom friends either.
-Ask moms you are interested in getting to know for their numbers, and arrange a play date outside of class time. I love hosting playdates. I don't have to pack, my toddler can nap when she needs to and I feel good about sharing my home with other families. It's more comfortable for everyone than always being in a public space.
-Don't worry if a friendship fizzles or doesn't work out. It's kind of like dating, keep asking around and you will find friends.
-Realize that having company is better than being alone with your kids. Especially going on outings with 3 or more kids solo is just exhausting. Mom friends can be more like "activity partners" than besties.
-Don't lose hope, keep putting yourself out there, swapping numbers, chatting, signing up for classes, hosting etc. It can be tiring but it is worth it. I have a lot more friends and social connections than I did before having kids.
Thanks for this. The loneliness struggle is so real. My town is similar. I learned to cobble together what community I could and not to be picky! Even just one friend at a similar life stage makes a big difference. What does my community look like? Sadly, my one Christian SAHM friend recently moved. So now, I hang out with a French stay-at-home dad, a hippy yogi mom 15 years my senior, a group of wives of international PhD students (not all of whom speak good English). We don’t have a ton in common besides our choice to be home with our kids and our desire to build community, but people face similar challenges making friends at work.
I also find a YMCA membership is a good opportunity for me and my 2-year-old to get some community apart from each other without it being too much apart time. She gets 2 hrs of playtime in a nursery setting with other kids, and I get to work out.
I’m so glad you addressed this issue! When I’m out with my three kids I’ve been feeling like the crazy one when people ask me “are they in school?” — and my older kids are only four and two years old! I feel like that’s far too young to be in school (even if I was going to put them in). But of course we plan on homeschooling all our kids 100%.
Also, please forgive me if this is too forward, but I recently realized I don’t think I live very far away from you. I could be wrong, I only just started reading your articles in the last couple of weeks. While I don’t know exactly where you’re at, I have the general impression that you’re in South Florida? Haha I don’t exactly want to post on the internet where I live, so I’ll just say I’m in Palm Beach County. Anyways! Again, I’m not sure if this is too forward, but I’d love to get together with our kids at a park or something if you’re at all open to it? :)
When my children were little, I would put them to bed with a warm cup of milk and play traditional Mongolian throat singing. They'd be out like a light being turned off by a good mother, such as yourself! Highly Recommend It!
I'm going through this exact thing right now, and my toddler is approaching 2.5. I can count five mom friends who have disappeared to varying degrees after returning to work, ranging from 100% ghosting to rarely seeing them. Luckily, we recently stumbled upon a new church with an active mom group that includes some SAHMs.
I feel this in a big way! My oldest is now in school, but I have 2 smaller ones (and one on the way) and it's strange realizing that your peers all have kiddos in school, and you seem to fit in a totally different phase, entirely by choice!
Thanks for sharing this! My kids are 3 and 1 1/2, and we're dealing with very similar problems.
To add to the problem though, I also work full-time, with a few of my work days being done at home with my kids and then a couple of days at an office. So in addition to people asking when my oldest is going to start preschool (she's not, and won't be in school until almost 6 with a December birthday, so I guess I'm a homeschool mom until then), any groups/activities that I can find for the age group my kids are are either drop-off activities without parents, which the kids aren't quite ready for, or are all at like Tuesday at 10am, right when I have to be working.
We fully stand by the decision not to have our kids in daycare or early school, but it's extra lonely sometimes not being able to join in on activities either, and to be smack in the middle of SAHM and Work Mom life.
This issue is a flagship challenge of being the "first-gen" SAHM, great for you to address it.
I'm Catholic and my kids are already in late elementary (charter, classical) school, so I'm not dealing with any of this now. But as an analogue, my parish is in a college town and the demographics run about that age, with a lot of alumni marrying their college sweethearts and sticking around town as young families, but it's an interesting mix of late 20s/early 30s couples, actual childless college undergrads, and then a big gap before people in their 50s and up. But most importantly, my priest was instrumental in making the college scene thrive when he himself was that age, and he went into seminary and came back to become pastor.
Since the pandemic lockdowns, he has seen that we've all had a tough time re-socializing, and he's relating more now to the younger couples with kids. He's tried to start groups, like having public outing days where multiple families show up to the same park at the same time to let all the kids play on the playground and socialize, while the parents do a snack potluck at the picnic tables, with no coordinated speech or bible reading or anything, the lack of format has made it easier to try to make friends. I haven't crossed the gap into making good friends yet, but at least I feel like I know people when I go to church now.
This week he's taking a next step, which is a bit interesting. He asked for volunteer established families, preferably with younger kids (that's me) to be arranged to meet with college students, particularly if they've been in long term relationships, and try to do some form of mentoring thing. Our orientation meeting is this Sunday, I can report back, but I think the idea is those of us struggling with "adulting" (eyeroll) but have managed to make it work, are supposed to ease the graduates-to-be into the idea that "adulting" is in fact doable, and if they choose to stick around, there's a community waiting for them here.
It's a bit of "mandatory fun," but I will say, the fact that at least all of us know, like, and trust the pastor, has greased the wheels of at least giving this a try. I have to commend him for his leadership, and this is what real "pastoral" mission is about. I know you, personally (Abby), haven't met any other Orthodox Jews in your adventures, but perhaps you could start in the Jewish community? Is there a rabbi who could take the reins and get this sort of leadership going, at least form a "task force" for it? The unique position of already being a community leader could provide the spark to address the SAHM/homeschooling needs of the community - there may already be others there in your situation.
I give this same advice to the other readers here, if you are part of a faith community, try starting from the top!
Definitely. Unfortunately loneliness is part of the modern SAHM life as connections are now expected to be made online which is ultimately unfulfilling. People need personal connection and community.
Thank you so much for addressing this issue! I have a 10 month old and am feeling this gap HARD! A lot of my friends are childfree or have serious infertility issues, so they are living entirely different lives than I'm living. A lot are working full time or part time so our schedules are totally different. A lot are not interested in homeschooling so they are in the 'wait until they're 5 and get your life back' mode. It's very hard to explain that having children isn't a 'phase' for me and that they'll be with me long term. I read Hannah's Children per your suggestion and it was so incredible to read stories of other women that are also doing this. It was a great balm to my soul!
Some women at my church suggested that we just go ahead and join the homeschool co-op there anyway even though my daughter is young. It's super awkward and I feel weird about it, but I'm just joining anyway and letting it be awkward. I don't know what else to do. I can't do this on my own, I need some women I can connect to, and I feel like this is the place of highest likelihood of finding them. I tried joining some play dates for the little kids but the value systems were so different between me and the women there that I just didn't want to keep going. My husband's Nana always says 'We're doing the best we can with what we have' and I feel like that's what I have to do in this season of life. Like it's an awkward time, and I'm in this weird limbo, but we'll be out of it sooner than we realize. I'm just so glad to have someone say it out loud because I've been feeling a bit crazy, thinking to myself like 'Where am I even supposed to be right now?'. Everyone else seems really established in their community and I feel like we're just hopping around from place to place.
We're Catholic though too, so there's a lot of support for homeschooling in the Catholic community, which will probably make it easier for me eventually. I'm so glad you shared that about being considered a homeschooling mom at 2 1/2 because of the difficulty of getting in to the Jewish schools. It isn't something I would have even known about honestly. This gap of 'my oldest isn't in school yet but we want to be involved in a homeschooling community to find families/friends with similar values' is really tough, and it sounds like it might be harder in different communities or even geographic regions.
I also wish there were more moms at home in general. It would be so much easier if there were, and a lot more fun for the kiddos. Thanks for what you're trying to do! There's a blog I really like called 'Like Mother Like Daughter' and it's written by a woman who has raised 7 kids, and it's basically homemaking/homeschooling/child raising tips and tricks. She's Catholic too, so some of her content is religious, but a ton of it is just super practical. I've emailed her questions before and she's really lovely. I wonder what she would say about this time period in raising children? I know she talks a lot about learning to be content at home, and using the time when the kids are really little to learn how to homeschool and get your house in order (while you still can). Maybe that's what we're supposed to be doing during this stage, really getting everything in order so that when homeschooling for real comes we're not just drowning? But it's certainly a suffering in itself (even though it's filled with joy). One thing the writer of that blog emailed me was that God saw my sacrifices and all I was doing and I just cried reading that. Maybe this loneliness is a sacrifice we can offer to God too, and then when we're all established in our communities later and meet the new mom with toddlers we can make sure they're very welcomed and as brought into our communities as they'd like to be.
Thank you for writing such a thoughtful response! I loved everything you said. I appreciate your insights and I will definitely check out the blog you mentioned!
I work 7 hours a day, two days a week, so I am not fully stay at home, but I relate to the loneliness. I currently have a 3 year old, 2 year old and expecting my third. I have joined several groups, but may of those seem as if they are directed to help mom's in the loneliness, not necessary to engage mom's and kids together. It's a chance to make friends and socialize with like minded women, but I don't think that kids are really getting much out of it. I don't know, maybe that's how it should be, but often times my kids act as if they miss me after these events, so it's hard to go since they are not child and mom focused, but more mom focused.
I struggle with this, because I think maybe I should be homeschooling already. But like you, we already do the basic things as they come up, and we read a ton everyday. I can't really picture my 3 year old boy sitting down and doing a lesson, like they would in daycare. And they are definitely not bored. It's definitely a new season to navigate.
I just think of it as a slow and unique time in life. You only have "only" little children once. Even if you keep having children, the older ones grow and eventually you will have little children and older children. The dynamic of only babies around is once in a lifetime. Perhaps it should require a little bit of loneliness on mama's side, so the kids get what they really need, and that's our time.
totally understand what you mean about the mom groups. I feel exactly the same way! My favorite events are those where there is some sort of circle time solely devoted to the children so that we can all participate with them and they can have fun, followed by mother's socialization time where the children can play and interact with one another. On another note, I like the idea of thinking of it as a unique time of life to cherish even through the hard. Thank you for your meaningful comment!
I loved what you shared about having 'only' little children once! That has really changed my perspective and I feel like you just gave me permission to slow down and enjoy this time more in the ways that I'd like to. <3 For example, today my daughter and I had a picnic outside where she played with sticks and babbled at a Japanese maple tree in the garden. It was so wonderful. We didn't have an agenda or anything, we were just kind of lazing about outside in the nice weather, but when I reflect on it, it was so lovely and special. I should do more of that while I can and just not worry about the rest. Thank you.
“Reading a ton every day” is exactly what a 3 yr old needs - not lessons! The interactions of the day, a little walk, some reading and lots of time with you are establishing the foundation of his emotional AND academic life.
Don’t stress!
And - if you can’t find the perfect mom/me group, it’s okay for your children to be sidelined a bit while you gab with other moms. They get you most of the time - and you’ll reconnect.
I have a 2 year old and a newborn.
I’m definitely feeling the gap. Last year MOPS (mom’s of pre-schoolers group) was amazing for moms with kids under two. This year (started in Sept) all of the mommies that I made friends with and enjoyed have their kids in some type of pre-school even though they are only just reaching age 2.5. Luckily most of them only have the kids in there MWF or Tu Thur but it’s really made larger play dates more difficult since we are no longer all free on the same days. I didn’t realize how much I was grieving the loss of those ladies.
Luckily, I do attend a conservative church with numerous moms that are in the same boat as me. We have a text group and people text different outings that they are going to Eg. Parks, pumpkin patches, the beach etc. it’s been a life savor especially now since my MOPS friends now have their kids in “school”.
If you are in need of community in this tricky time as a potential home schooler. Even if you are not the same religion, I’d definitely recommend to find a conservative church (Reformed Christian churches tend to have larger families and more homeschoolers) that has a large number of kids around your kids age and start to get to know the mommies/ask around let them know you are interested in play dates during the week. It’s not perfect and you wouldn’t have to keep going to the church that doesn’t align with your beliefs, but once you make some connections with mommies who do have numerous things in common (morals, values, political views, love of the classics, homeschooling) you may find part of your crew even if they do not have the same religious beliefs.
This is great advice! I also just started a chat thread with some friends of mine from grad school who are all SAHMs and it's so nice just to have other moms to bounce ideas off of.
As a first time mom with a two year old, I’m so baffled at how lonely the SAHM community is.
I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in joining a mom group, but hardly anyone shows up continuously and the ones I do recognize I don’t click with them. And even if I do hit it off with someone they’re always an hour+ away. I even hosted a moms group where the day before it sounded like a good chunk of them were coming, however, only two people came; one being the leader of the group who has older kids. It’s been such a disheartening experience and being out in the country I find time and time again that all mommy and me classes are for three year olds (why?).
It’s frustrating knowing there’s other moms out there feeling the same as I do and whiling to put in an effort of friendship and community, but being impossibly far away. I don’t feel motherhood is supposed to be this way.
I also looked into a co-op group but there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on that had me realizing that it wasn’t how I wanted my son to learn.
This journey is wild and hard.
I totally understand your struggle. I think by building this community of moms here on this platform, we can hopefully find others who are struggling in the same way to connect with and get advice from those with more experience. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!
Abby!! How beautifully you articulate the challenges that come with your life stage and your desire to be intentional with the time you have with your beloved children! May others with the same heart's desire find you, connect, and be blessing to each other!!
Hang in there - the journey goes QUICKLY! Remember, G-d has chosen you to mother your children at this time, in this way. Every moment of every day, you are educating you little ones, intentionally or not. You know this - unfortunately, our culture has convinced nearly everyone that unless there is a class or some formal structured activity, learning is not happening. You beautifully articulated this on your you-tube explaining why you and your husband have chosen to home educate: to teach your children a love of learning (and other reasons).
I recall those years when our first and second children were littles. I too, sought out others who were like minded...I was not successful in finding what I was looking for on a regular basis. However, with time I did find occasional opportunities to meet up with others. Keep looking. It took a bit of searching, but I did find a few like-minded familiies (you'll never find someone exactly aligned, but you will find some closely aligned in the important things). Even if you don't find it, this season will be a whirlwind as your boys grow, and Lord willing, you have more children. G-d has placed your children with each other and in your family, exactly as it is.
Though you feel you don't fit in with families who have older children, you might be delighted to interact with them as you see the olders who home educate interact with children of all ages. I recall our little ones playing capture the flag with several other families that home educate and it was a joy to watch some of the older children literally carrying our little ones in the game and celebrating that our children had captured the flag.
May I offer to video conference with you to encourage you?
Last August, we moved all three of our children into the dorms of their tiny college in Virginia after completing the journey of home educating all of them the entire way through, by G-d's Hand (no, they are not triplets). So my schedule is flexible to accomadate yours, though I am Pacific time and you are Eastern.
I am so excited to see what G-d will do through you for your precious children! Joy to you in the journey!!
(p.s. Annette and I have been absent from your site for a while, sorry. But we have not stopped thinking of or praying for you and your family. We pray for Jerusalem, for Israel, for the Children of Israel worldwide. We trust you had a joyous Rosh Hashanah, a meaningful Yom Kippur, and are enjoying Sukkot!)
Thank you for all of your kind words! What an encouragement. I may take you up on your offer when things are a little less busy, but thank you for being so thoughtful!
Yes! I am Christian but in the neighborhood where we had our first baby, sahm or homeschool moms were far and few between. I never found a solution but kept trying and the once or twice interactions with moms got me through. Now we travel full time homeschooling because of hubby’s job and it’s still lonely at times for a different reason. Sahm/homeschooling moms are definitely not the norm. I became reformed Christian and found a few more but not every place we travel has a reformed church.
I've been a SAHM for 6 years and here's what I've learned:
Making friends is essential but totally possible anywhere: SAHM life does not need to be lonely.
-Be friendly: chat with other moms, grandmothers, nannies, librarians, whoever you're with. Even if you don't become best friends, it's so nice to have a familiar face and someone to watch your kiddos for a few minutes if you need to take your toddler to the bathroom (or maybe even go yourself!).
- Don't worry so much if your child is the perfect age for the group. I do a music class every week with my kids, ages 6, 3 and 18 months, they all enjoy it and it's so much fun for me too.
-Be open to having mom friends with different schedules and lifestyles. I have mom friends who work full time, stay home full time and a range in-between. I think I'm the only homeschooling Jewish mom in a 100 mile radius of where I live so if I kept looking for a friend who's the same as me I'd be lonely too. I love my friends and I don't feel at all judged for homeschooling and I don't judge my working/schooling mom friends either.
-Ask moms you are interested in getting to know for their numbers, and arrange a play date outside of class time. I love hosting playdates. I don't have to pack, my toddler can nap when she needs to and I feel good about sharing my home with other families. It's more comfortable for everyone than always being in a public space.
-Don't worry if a friendship fizzles or doesn't work out. It's kind of like dating, keep asking around and you will find friends.
-Realize that having company is better than being alone with your kids. Especially going on outings with 3 or more kids solo is just exhausting. Mom friends can be more like "activity partners" than besties.
-Don't lose hope, keep putting yourself out there, swapping numbers, chatting, signing up for classes, hosting etc. It can be tiring but it is worth it. I have a lot more friends and social connections than I did before having kids.
Thanks for this. The loneliness struggle is so real. My town is similar. I learned to cobble together what community I could and not to be picky! Even just one friend at a similar life stage makes a big difference. What does my community look like? Sadly, my one Christian SAHM friend recently moved. So now, I hang out with a French stay-at-home dad, a hippy yogi mom 15 years my senior, a group of wives of international PhD students (not all of whom speak good English). We don’t have a ton in common besides our choice to be home with our kids and our desire to build community, but people face similar challenges making friends at work.
I also find a YMCA membership is a good opportunity for me and my 2-year-old to get some community apart from each other without it being too much apart time. She gets 2 hrs of playtime in a nursery setting with other kids, and I get to work out.
I’m so glad you addressed this issue! When I’m out with my three kids I’ve been feeling like the crazy one when people ask me “are they in school?” — and my older kids are only four and two years old! I feel like that’s far too young to be in school (even if I was going to put them in). But of course we plan on homeschooling all our kids 100%.
Also, please forgive me if this is too forward, but I recently realized I don’t think I live very far away from you. I could be wrong, I only just started reading your articles in the last couple of weeks. While I don’t know exactly where you’re at, I have the general impression that you’re in South Florida? Haha I don’t exactly want to post on the internet where I live, so I’ll just say I’m in Palm Beach County. Anyways! Again, I’m not sure if this is too forward, but I’d love to get together with our kids at a park or something if you’re at all open to it? :)
When my children were little, I would put them to bed with a warm cup of milk and play traditional Mongolian throat singing. They'd be out like a light being turned off by a good mother, such as yourself! Highly Recommend It!
- Alan, 65, Wichita, KS
I'm going through this exact thing right now, and my toddler is approaching 2.5. I can count five mom friends who have disappeared to varying degrees after returning to work, ranging from 100% ghosting to rarely seeing them. Luckily, we recently stumbled upon a new church with an active mom group that includes some SAHMs.
I feel this in a big way! My oldest is now in school, but I have 2 smaller ones (and one on the way) and it's strange realizing that your peers all have kiddos in school, and you seem to fit in a totally different phase, entirely by choice!
Thanks for sharing this! My kids are 3 and 1 1/2, and we're dealing with very similar problems.
To add to the problem though, I also work full-time, with a few of my work days being done at home with my kids and then a couple of days at an office. So in addition to people asking when my oldest is going to start preschool (she's not, and won't be in school until almost 6 with a December birthday, so I guess I'm a homeschool mom until then), any groups/activities that I can find for the age group my kids are are either drop-off activities without parents, which the kids aren't quite ready for, or are all at like Tuesday at 10am, right when I have to be working.
We fully stand by the decision not to have our kids in daycare or early school, but it's extra lonely sometimes not being able to join in on activities either, and to be smack in the middle of SAHM and Work Mom life.
I write a bit about similar issues on my blog. I feel like you might relate. https://open.substack.com/pub/writersblogck/p/the-humiliation-of-momhood-has-been?r=1dx2xp&utm_medium=ios
This issue is a flagship challenge of being the "first-gen" SAHM, great for you to address it.
I'm Catholic and my kids are already in late elementary (charter, classical) school, so I'm not dealing with any of this now. But as an analogue, my parish is in a college town and the demographics run about that age, with a lot of alumni marrying their college sweethearts and sticking around town as young families, but it's an interesting mix of late 20s/early 30s couples, actual childless college undergrads, and then a big gap before people in their 50s and up. But most importantly, my priest was instrumental in making the college scene thrive when he himself was that age, and he went into seminary and came back to become pastor.
Since the pandemic lockdowns, he has seen that we've all had a tough time re-socializing, and he's relating more now to the younger couples with kids. He's tried to start groups, like having public outing days where multiple families show up to the same park at the same time to let all the kids play on the playground and socialize, while the parents do a snack potluck at the picnic tables, with no coordinated speech or bible reading or anything, the lack of format has made it easier to try to make friends. I haven't crossed the gap into making good friends yet, but at least I feel like I know people when I go to church now.
This week he's taking a next step, which is a bit interesting. He asked for volunteer established families, preferably with younger kids (that's me) to be arranged to meet with college students, particularly if they've been in long term relationships, and try to do some form of mentoring thing. Our orientation meeting is this Sunday, I can report back, but I think the idea is those of us struggling with "adulting" (eyeroll) but have managed to make it work, are supposed to ease the graduates-to-be into the idea that "adulting" is in fact doable, and if they choose to stick around, there's a community waiting for them here.
It's a bit of "mandatory fun," but I will say, the fact that at least all of us know, like, and trust the pastor, has greased the wheels of at least giving this a try. I have to commend him for his leadership, and this is what real "pastoral" mission is about. I know you, personally (Abby), haven't met any other Orthodox Jews in your adventures, but perhaps you could start in the Jewish community? Is there a rabbi who could take the reins and get this sort of leadership going, at least form a "task force" for it? The unique position of already being a community leader could provide the spark to address the SAHM/homeschooling needs of the community - there may already be others there in your situation.
I give this same advice to the other readers here, if you are part of a faith community, try starting from the top!
Definitely. Unfortunately loneliness is part of the modern SAHM life as connections are now expected to be made online which is ultimately unfulfilling. People need personal connection and community.