I love you Classically Abby. You make me feel so validated in my traditional values. I am eternally grateful for this content. The wife isn't on board yet, but she will be.
After having 3 kids with my wife, who was a bit more of a liberal type feminist than you, I learned a LOT of lessons on being the husband for a SAHM there. I have to report sadly that our experience did NOT go as well, but I did pick up some (fore) knowledge worth sharing.
1. There is an outside chance that your husband, especially for your first kid, has NO clue what he's in for with you being pregnant and post-partum. Dudes don't get that much education on this period of life, and the girlboss liberal media saturation does not help, because motherhood is never depicted anywhere. He probably has rose-colored glasses about being a breadwinner and trusting you way too much to just go along with a natural process everybody's gone through for millions of years, and naively cheers you on, "you can do it!" Then when you lean on him for help, he'll be enthusiastic at first, but after like 3-4 weeks, he might get burned out, thinking "Geez when are you gonna get over this?" He has no clue, pregnancy and postpartum are no joke. Honestly I'm not sure how you could convince him of that in advance though.
Manage his expectations, and in particular, try not to complain when he doesn't do something your way, or doesn't understand exactly what the need is, or how you can be so tired after all the naps you had over the course of the day. If he has a will to help, be grateful, that *alone* puts him above 80% of the guys you've ever met, and try to be patient with him too. He's probably proud to be the front line of the support system you're going to call on for help. Don't ruin that by making him the *sole* support system, and show gratitude often.
2. Do whatever you can for yourself, if this is not your first kid. In other words, if you know for example, hubby's coming home for lunch and will get a chance to do a few favors for me while I've had morning sickness on the couch for an hour, don't let one of your other kids sit in a dirty diaper for 15-20 minutes just because he's coming home soon. Seriously this was a weekly occurrence with my wife, and I was livid. I was sympathetic for her feeling physically ill, but I also felt like that was the height of laziness and irresponsible. Abby's taking it slow advice is great, integrate that with arranging which tasks can and should be postponed or off-loaded, and which ones you really need to save your energy for and take care of yourself. Hubby can microwave his own leftovers, and even some for you, nbd, but do not avoid changing diapers, for example. Dishes can wait. Toddlers' snacks, probably shouldn't. You can leave the bed unmade until you find some time and energy for it, but hopefully you find 5 minutes before *dinner* to get this done.
3. Nap when the toddlers nap, wake when they wake, if at all possible. You need to conserve energy, this whole period is about managing your energy level wisely. And like any exercise habit, when you do have some energy, USE IT! A body in motion tends to stay in motion, don't get used to being lazy all day. In our house, the laundry room is in the basement, and my wife's knees combined with the rest of her pregnant/postpartum issues made her really reluctant to take laundry up and down the stairs. I didn't mind taking this over for her. But she also expected me to do the dishes, and clean the kids' rooms (why not order the kids around and teach them how to do it?), and become the full time cook, because when she was feeling better, she spent it sitting up... sharing how great being a mom was on Facebook. I didn't mind carrying *some* weight for her, but after a few months, I felt like I was both parents, the only chores I didn't do were deliver the baby or breastfeed. But in the hours I know she was walking around, because her stuff had been rearranged all over the house, I wished she would have at least done dishes if she can't do the laundry. etc.
4. I will double down on snuggling with your kids, ha. Strong recommend.
what compels someone to read this post and write PARAGRAPHS whining about being a useless husband to their pregnant wife? lol
I love you Classically Abby. You make me feel so validated in my traditional values. I am eternally grateful for this content. The wife isn't on board yet, but she will be.
- Alan, 65, Wichita, KS
After having 3 kids with my wife, who was a bit more of a liberal type feminist than you, I learned a LOT of lessons on being the husband for a SAHM there. I have to report sadly that our experience did NOT go as well, but I did pick up some (fore) knowledge worth sharing.
1. There is an outside chance that your husband, especially for your first kid, has NO clue what he's in for with you being pregnant and post-partum. Dudes don't get that much education on this period of life, and the girlboss liberal media saturation does not help, because motherhood is never depicted anywhere. He probably has rose-colored glasses about being a breadwinner and trusting you way too much to just go along with a natural process everybody's gone through for millions of years, and naively cheers you on, "you can do it!" Then when you lean on him for help, he'll be enthusiastic at first, but after like 3-4 weeks, he might get burned out, thinking "Geez when are you gonna get over this?" He has no clue, pregnancy and postpartum are no joke. Honestly I'm not sure how you could convince him of that in advance though.
Manage his expectations, and in particular, try not to complain when he doesn't do something your way, or doesn't understand exactly what the need is, or how you can be so tired after all the naps you had over the course of the day. If he has a will to help, be grateful, that *alone* puts him above 80% of the guys you've ever met, and try to be patient with him too. He's probably proud to be the front line of the support system you're going to call on for help. Don't ruin that by making him the *sole* support system, and show gratitude often.
2. Do whatever you can for yourself, if this is not your first kid. In other words, if you know for example, hubby's coming home for lunch and will get a chance to do a few favors for me while I've had morning sickness on the couch for an hour, don't let one of your other kids sit in a dirty diaper for 15-20 minutes just because he's coming home soon. Seriously this was a weekly occurrence with my wife, and I was livid. I was sympathetic for her feeling physically ill, but I also felt like that was the height of laziness and irresponsible. Abby's taking it slow advice is great, integrate that with arranging which tasks can and should be postponed or off-loaded, and which ones you really need to save your energy for and take care of yourself. Hubby can microwave his own leftovers, and even some for you, nbd, but do not avoid changing diapers, for example. Dishes can wait. Toddlers' snacks, probably shouldn't. You can leave the bed unmade until you find some time and energy for it, but hopefully you find 5 minutes before *dinner* to get this done.
3. Nap when the toddlers nap, wake when they wake, if at all possible. You need to conserve energy, this whole period is about managing your energy level wisely. And like any exercise habit, when you do have some energy, USE IT! A body in motion tends to stay in motion, don't get used to being lazy all day. In our house, the laundry room is in the basement, and my wife's knees combined with the rest of her pregnant/postpartum issues made her really reluctant to take laundry up and down the stairs. I didn't mind taking this over for her. But she also expected me to do the dishes, and clean the kids' rooms (why not order the kids around and teach them how to do it?), and become the full time cook, because when she was feeling better, she spent it sitting up... sharing how great being a mom was on Facebook. I didn't mind carrying *some* weight for her, but after a few months, I felt like I was both parents, the only chores I didn't do were deliver the baby or breastfeed. But in the hours I know she was walking around, because her stuff had been rearranged all over the house, I wished she would have at least done dishes if she can't do the laundry. etc.
4. I will double down on snuggling with your kids, ha. Strong recommend.
5. Low impact activities, great advice too.
Reminders I needed as I just found out we are expecting out fourth (my oldest is 4). I have found myself taking many accidental micro naps lately 😅