Children Weren't Meant For Luxury

And why money isn't always the solution.

Photo by Sasha Kaunas on Unsplash

We recently visited an all-inclusive resort with my extended family as a sort-of reunion. My sons, husband, and I shared one hotel room while we were there, which meant that none of us slept. My younger son had contracted E. Coli and so had terrible gastric problems for the first couple of days we were there, then my older son got a cold. The resort had day camps for the kids and programming for the adults, but nothing for the families to do together which left us constantly wandering, looking for something to do as my children are too young to be separated from us (and we don’t personally prefer spending time separately on vacation anyways!). But more than that, there were sugary treats everywhere, endless snacks, unlimited drinks…more, more, more.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get home.

I think it’s easy to tell ourselves that luxury would make our lives better. That freedom, no boundaries, easy access to anything we want or need would cut our problems in half. That never needing to say no would be so much simpler. But I truly believe that luxury is not good for children.

My children could not handle this unlimited environment. My older son, who is typically potty-trained, well-behaved, mindful of his diet, and is (generally) a good listener, reverted to diapers, cried any time he didn’t get what he wanted, and ate horribly for days on end. My younger son became whiny and obsessed with sugary snacks and began to cry endlessly when he didn’t get to have a sweet treat. I did my best to prevent them from eating garbage the bulk of the time, but when it was constantly available and offered to them by other adults, it was a lose-lose situation. Although we did limit it, we couldn't stop it altogether without everything consistently grinding to a halt.

Because how do you explain to a child who is still struggling to understand why you need to have a balanced diet that they shouldn’t eat every tasty and delicious treat that’s free around them? How do you explain to a baby that it’s wasteful to take something and only eat one bite of it when the food seems to endlessly appear on magical platters? How do you explain to a young child that this is an unbalanced environment, not reflective of reality, and that life isn’t meant to be this way?

My husband says that parenting is not simply about the way you interact with your children but about the environment you create for them as well. We choose to homeschool because we want our babies to have a curated environment during these formative years that isn’t simply determined by the strongest, loudest bully in the room at their school or daycare. This trip made clear to me that our oldet son isn’t naturally wonderful or unbelievably calm — we have made him so through our parenting and the environment we have built for him. When he is surrounded by luxury, when he is surrounded by other children who feel absolutely entitled to everything served around them, his behavior changes. He becomes less capable of making good decisions and less respectful of his elders. He becomes more like the children who we typically come into contact with who don’t have very good manners. He becomes worse.

I recently was discussing with my husband what we would do if we had a little extra money. I initially said, “My dream is to pay someone to come for an hour each evening and help clean the house.” After the children go to sleep, my husband and I often spend some time putting the house to bed before we spend time together. But upon further reflection, I rethought my idea. I think it’s important to teach our children to help us clean up after making a mess. How easy would it be to ignore this pertinent lesson if we had someone to clean our home each day? How much less would I encourage my children to learn to tidy?

Unless you are an incredibly diligent person with very strongly held values, money comes at a cost: it allows you to pay someone else to take care of your problems so you don’t have to grow and improve. If you are paying someone else to clean your home throughout the day, you don’t have to teach your children to be respectful of their home and space. They won’t eat in the kitchen — they’ll wander around. They won’t put away their toys — someone else will do it for them. If you are paying someone to watch your young children so you can do whatever it is you want when you want, you won’t learn to be more efficient with planning your tasks so that you can spend more time with your children. If you spend a ton of money on takeout, prepared foods, and snacks, you’ll never learn to make healthy meals to nourish your children’s bodies. If you buy two of every toy so the children don’t fight, they also won’t learn to share.

Money can be a gift and helps break up the chokepoints that make both parenting and life hard — but it can also be a detriment that allows both you and your children to stagnate.

And this “luxury” trip was a stark reminder of that.

When we got home, it was shocking how immediate the reversion back to good behavior was. My older son was listening better and using the potty again. It took one more day for him to break his sugar requests, but he’s back to normal there too. My younger son was simply exhausted and needed a good night’s sleep. With a full (and I mean FULL) night’s sleep, he was a different child. He’s been so much less whiny and back to his normal, happy self.

Vacations aren’t the problem because vacations still require the question, “Can I buy this or that?” You can’t simply lift something off the shelf and take it for free. But “luxury,” all-inclusive trips? Maybe wait and let your children get a little older before the entitlement train goes off the track.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments below!