A SAHM's"Day Off"

Even moms are allowed a little me-time.

My "Day Off" And What I Learned.

Photo by Chen Mizrach on Unsplash

I recently celebrated my 31st birthday.

I had dinner out with my husband.

I had a get-together with some friends.

And I wanted a few hours to spend by myself.

My parents, who often help by giving me a chance to run errands while my children sleep or offer a second set of hands to go to doctor’s appointments, have been out of town for nigh on two months, so I’ve had little to no downtime for quite a while. And my husband was set to travel for work the week following the day I had slotted out for my “alone time,” so I was staring down the barrel of even more responsibility.

Now, I’ve often felt guilty about wanting to celebrate milestones alone. “Don’t other mothers specifically want to spend birthdays with their kids?” I’d ask myself. I would berate myself for “needing a break” from my children, even though it was mostly a break from the mental load, not a break from them. It took a while for me to realize that I am in an entirely different situation than most mothers - I’m with my kids all day every day, which is amazing. But for me, the treat is alone time. For other women, getting to spend extended time with their kids is special.

The thing about being a SAHM, though, is that you are never off-duty. Even on the weekends when your husband can help, you are still parenting. You might get a few minutes here or there to sit down, but you can never truly turn off your brain as it rattles through the 600 things you have to think about to keep your household running. I hadn’t realized that this was my first time off-duty in almost a year (mostly because I was exclusively breastfeeding). Even if I had left during naps, I couldn’t guarantee that the children wouldn’t wake up or that someone wouldn’t need me. But I planned ahead this time - I invited my in-laws to help my husband watch the boys so he could enjoy this time, too.

Now, the plan was to go shopping, get a massage, and READ. I so rarely get a chance to simply sit and enjoy a book, I was really excited to do so. And since I recently stopped shopping as an activity to reduce our spending, shopping on my birthday felt like a special treat. I headed to TJ Maxx at 9:30 AM with a cut-off of 2:15 PM.

But once I arrived, I felt oddly out of sorts. I felt a little lonely, a little guilty…a little weird. And since we’ve tried to spend less, I’ve gotten into the habit of truly asking whether I need something when I pick it up - and I didn’t need anything at TJ Maxx. All of a sudden, I had two realizations that instantly improved my mood:

1. This isn’t the ideal. Lately, because I haven’t had the familial support I’ve been used to, I’ve had days of burn out. It’s led to moments of idealizing my single and early married days where my time was my own. But going shopping reminded me of what those days were really like. Shopping out of boredom, trying to fill free time, was actually no fun at all. Now, this break I got was only so wonderful because it was in the context of my full and busy life, of being needed by my family. The days off are wonderful specifically because they are infrequent and earned. Once I could see the fun in a “day off” and view it as an element of the healthy ecosystem that is my life as a SAHM, I was able to embrace a few hours of alone time and return to my babies with a full cup.

2. I didn’t need to need anything. On your birthday, it’s okay to buy something just because it’s fun. Is that an every day occurrence? No! Should it be a frequent habit? Absolutely not. Was it okay for me to do so on this one day a year? I think so. And once I relaxed and allowed myself to find items I enjoyed even if I didn’t need them, I had so much more fun.

I followed up my shopping trip by reading by myself at the spa and felt so grateful that I could turn my phone off and just be. And thank God I did get a break, because I was able to face an entire week on my own with the boys with an incredibly healthy mindset!

After this break, I spoke to my husband about trying to make this a more regular occurrence and he was totally supportive. Not the shopping, of course, but maybe a couple of hours where I can turn off my mom brain, read a book at a cafe, and just fill my cup. My husband actually encouraged me to do this more often and was shocked I thought it was an indulgence rather than a given. He even helped me see how important it was for me to get a break, because SAHM motherhood is the one job that really has no downtime. But it’s good to let the gears sit without running every once in a while. It’s okay to want and crave that time to recharge - not in your house, not during naptime, but away and separate where you are truly off-duty.

Have you ever felt this way? What do you think? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!