Words Matter: Key Phrases We Use In Our Parenting
I think one of the most important parts of being a parent is being intentional. Across the board, I think we need to be intentional about how we interact with and approach our children. It’s easy to be nonchalant about all the little ways we talk to our children, but the truth is, our children hear every word we say and take it as the capital T, “Truth.”
My husband said something the other day that I’ve had on repeat in my head the last few weeks. He said, “Childhood is undefeated. No one overcomes their childhood.” We all say that children are resilient, that they can survive so much as they grow up. And thank God, it’s true that children will grow up to be adults and survive most circumstances. But everyone — everyone — spends their life trying to make sense of how they view the world based off the first years of their lives. Everyone constantly talks about what happened in their childhood that traumatized them or that made them sensitive to certain things or that made them the way they are.
That means it’s our responsibility to do our best to give our children a childhood that raises them up, not pulls them down. Are we going to be perfect? Of course not. We aren’t God. But being intentional matters. Being mindful matters.
So today, I want to start with how I speak to my children. I try my best to think how something I say could be interpreted by a three-year-old. For example, if I say something bothers me, my son will immediately ask me, “Why?” A few days later, he might see the thing that I had mentioned and ask me, “Does that bother you?” If I mentioned it nonchalantly, I am chastened by his eager following of my words. If I mentioned it seriously, I’m happy to see that he has picked up on the message. But it’s why speaking nonchalantly as a parent is never nonchalant. Our children are always listening.
Here are a few turns of phrase we use as parents to help guide our children’s inner voice so that when they are older, they are on the right path.
“Let’s eat food that nourishes your body.” Instead of labeling some foods good and some foods bad, we talk about food as far as nutrition. We talk about how some foods have protein, and protein nourishes and fuels our bodies. We talk about carbohydrates which are good for your body but can’t be eaten alone. And we talk about treats, which are fun to eat but should only be eaten when we’ve already eaten the foods that make our bodies feel good. Treats are not off limits, but they are only eaten in a mindful way. We often discuss the difference between being hungry and having a craving, for example! If my son says he’s hungry and then refuses any food except chocolate chips, I tell him that’s a craving. “It’s not bad to have a craving,” I say, “but it doesn’t sound like you’re really hungry.” He’s started to identify his own body cues and asks for food that nourishes his body before asking for something sweet. I hope that as he grows up, he can take the way we talk about food with him into the future and continue to have a balanced diet.
“You can feel that way, you just can’t act on those feelings.” No feeling is off-limits in our household. Things are often frustrating, or make us angry, or make us happy. These are all fine feelings to have, and recognizing those feelings is important to knowing how to deal with them. Immediately saying those feelings are wrong or bad only brings shame to them, which makes children act out later. We like to name the feeling but stop the action that isn’t safe. For example, if my older son is feeling frustrated that his younger brother is playing with his toys, he may growl which could lead to a push or a hit. I immediately step in and say, “Are you feeling frustrated? I get it! That is frustrating! But we cannot hit.” Then we come up with a list of solutions. My older son can take the toy in his room that he wants to play with alone or he can move it away or he can give his brother a different toy. But we name the feeling; we acknowledge that it’s normal to feel that way; and then we pivot. As an adult, I think being able to name your feelings allows you to know yourself better and have better relationships, too.
“Do you feel safe?” Instead of saying, “Be careful!” I try to say to my children, “Do you feel safe?” I like the idea of giving them control over their own safety as opposed to constantly scaring them and making them fear normal childhood behaviors. Climbing, for example, is good for kids. Jumping is good for kids. These are all important physical learning opportunities. But if it looks like my older son might be doing something unsafe, I gently remind him to check in with himself and make sure he feels like he’s being careful. The question, “Do you feel safe?” forces him to consider his decisions rather than immediately make him scared. It doesn’t always work, but generally it has made my children more mindful rather than afraid.
“You are special just because a little piece of God is inside of you. No matter what you do, you are still special because Hashem made you you.” I think one of the hardest things to overcome from our childhoods is the idea that we were loved for one specific reason. Perhaps it’s that we were the one our parents never had to worry about, or perhaps we were the dependable one, or perhaps we were the smart one. Then, for the rest of our lives, if we don’t feel that we are living up to that version of ourselves, we deem ourselves unworthy of love in that moment. I believe we all have to do our best to constantly improve, grow, and be better. But everyone gets sick sometimes or needs help or doesn’t understand a topic and feels stupid. It’s part of life to have ups and downs, and even in the down moments, we are worthy of love. So we try to remind our children that their souls are what makes them worthy of love. God chose them to be born and put a little part of Himself inside each and every person, and that piece of Hashem makes you special, unique, and loveable. We tell our sons we love them because they are God’s children, and that even when they do something wrong, we still love them.
Do you have any special phrases you use around your children? I’d love to hear! Share your thoughts down below.