When Being A Mother Feels Frustrating

And the lesson I learned preparing for Passover.

Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

Passover starts on Saturday night.

If you’ve ever met an Orthodox Jew, you may know that Passover requires quite a lot of preparation. We must rid our houses of everything deemed “chametz”, AKA anything with leaven in it. We do this because when the Jews absconded from Egypt, we had to run from Pharaoh before he changed his mind. We ran so fast, in fact, that the bread did not have time to rise. And that’s why we eat matzah!

But cleaning our homes is no easy task. Any dishes or utensils that have been used throughout the year are also deemed chametz, so we have an entirely separate set of pots and pans just for this one week a year. We must put away all the food in our pantries that is not kosher for Passover, and we must “turn over” our kitchens, AKA sanitize them from the chametz we use throughout the year so they are not contaminated.

This year also happens to be particularly complicated as Sabbath precedes Passover, so we will not be able to cook for the holiday for an additional day in advance. Many of us end up cooking three-days’ worth of meals and reheating them.

I personally love Passover, and I think these traditions are beautiful and important. When done with the proper mindset, these requirements are less of a burden and more of a project done in love. But this year I learned a very, very important lesson as a first-gen SAHM.

My mother and I planned to do the Passover prep together this year. We started the first night after the children were asleep: we cleaned out the fridge and put all the chametz food away, then cleaned out three drawers to make room for my Pesach dishes and utensils. Together, we were able to accomplish our project in about two hours.

The next day, we had to “kasher” the countertops (AKA boil them or steam them to remove chametz), put away all the rest of the chametz utensils I keep on my countertops, clean the oven and the stovetops, and begin to cook.

My children, as usual, were home. My younger son has recently switched to one nap and my older son has dropped naps altogether. Despite the fact that they both can play independently, they also require quite a lot of supervision - I find that as my children get older and more capable, they can also get into more trouble, even when they’re not trying to cause problems. For example, my older son is able to open cabinets, grab things he wants, and then dump them out all over the floor. And my baby is able to climb up on chairs but could easily fall down.

It’s easy to assume that as children get older, they get easier, but I had forgotten that sometimes their abilities outreach their wisdom.

So despite the fact that I was supposed to be working together with my mother to prepare for Passover, for most of the day ALL I did was supervise my children while I watched my mother do the lion’s share of the work. I felt so irritable at my little ones for preventing me from being useful, and I resented that I couldn’t be more productive. Since my sons have gotten older, I’ve generally come to accept that my days are meant for my children so I don’t even attempt to get things done for myself while they’re awake. I don’t mean that I don’t get housework or chores done - I do my best to include my children in those tasks - but anything that requires my full attention and cannot be interrupted is simply off the menu. That is totally fine with me, and I really enjoy it! But yesterday was such an intense example, to the point where I couldn’t even help my mother who was helping me, that I felt frustrated and burnt out.

It wasn’t until later in the afternoon when I had the chance to take my boys out for a bit that I was reminded of a wonderful saying by an Instagram creator I follow named Kathryn Christi. She said, “I am most frustrated by my role as ‘mom’ when I don’t treat it like it’s my job.”

On a day like yesterday when I really needed to focus on prepping for the Passover holiday, being a mom felt as though it was not my main job. And so my children felt frustrating. But once I was able to bring my focus and attention back to my babies, I felt calm and collected once again. The truth is, my kids are incredibly well-behaved and helpful! But in the context of doing something that requires all of my attention, even the BEST behaved toddler is still a toddler. And there’s only so much I can do in those circumstances. I don’t mind that all of my days are devoted to my children because motherhood is my job. You don’t try to do other tasks when you’re at a desk job - you focus on the project at hand. So it’s only in the moments when I put my role as mother second that motherhood can feel like a burden.

I am so grateful to my mother for all of her help this year, and she understood the situation completely. We realized our mistake after the fact. Last year, my older son was actually easier to watch and my younger son was just a tiny baby strapped to my chest, so I was able to help more with the Passover prep. But this year we learned that another adult is needed to supervise in the home. So next year, we will either call in another family member or hire a babysitter to watch my boys for the day. That way, I can help during the process of preparing for Passover and I can treat my role as mother with the seriousness it deserves.

And the takeaway? Motherhood is only frustrating when you don’t view it as your job. Once you view it as something that gets in the way of all of your other jobs, then it’s an obstacle to overcome. But being a mother is truly the greatest gift and the greatest job any of us can have! So what a blessing to be able to give all of our attention and focus to these little humans God has bestowed upon us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!